Have you heard of rock'n'roll? Yes. Then you know who I am.

Allergies are such shitty genetic hand-me-downs. If I could I would take these genes and hide them in a huge slice of steak and feed it to a starving liger. Then when the liger shat it out, I would toss grenades all over that muck. Sometimes when i get a sneeze attack I get mad possessed and perform this shitty dance, as if some demons had a grudge about me. My allergies were tame at one point and I would only sneeze when i looked up at the sky or at the sun (soo bad for you). Now if I look at some guy walking on the street or if I look at a post it i'll just rapid fire that shit man and there's shrapnel everywhere!! i remember when I was 8 I was in a field chasing this chihuahua that stole my cookie and my body was like "hey, watch out for that pollen you idiot!" and i had to rub my eyes so I did for like 5 minutes. Then that wet flesh part of the corner eye started growing and growing until it fucking covered my pupils!! My body fucking blinded itself!! That's fucked up man. It goes away pretty easy with ice though but i had to play Marco Polo to get to it and that was weak.

If I ever get a camera, i'm gonna try to capture that calm before the storm, right before you explode yucky mucus. I swear, the faces humans make are fantastic!! Most people look like a kid about to cry after they just got whooped. Some look like they just caught their mom getting boned by Steve Buscemi. It looks crazy, but it's so REAL. An even more bananas act is the act of fighting a sneeze with your face. That makes you look like you feel when a rancher brands your buttocks.

I bet I can sneeze with my eyes open if i clockwork orange my stuff.